Jesus, You the cry of my heart,
Have felt more like a murmur these days.
What used to be the strongest, greatest beat and rhythm… the loudest ker-thump,
Wildly, unstoppably beating at the mention or thought of You
Oh, to hear of Your splendor and wonder, the greatness of You God!
Your kingdom, and the power and justice and mercy thereof, sending shivers down my spine.
Who You were. Who You are.
The kindness and the humility, melted away any offense or bitterness, that like concrete would try to seep in and harden this heart of flesh.
The excitement in my body, upon the rising of the sun, giving the new day a great giant bear-hug
What used to be…
Now, thoughts of longing, desires of wanting somebody to love have made their way
Made a home really, with a comfortable recliner and fireplace…
Musings of a life lived with no strings attached, all for me.
On a delightful quest to find or create my own self, I will do life freely and authentically
Yes this is the life for me!
So let’s play a game, and pretend that I came to be the optimal edition I could…
I created a nice personality for myself, and of course the wonderful people I have met.
They always love me, because how else could they be wonderful unless they were authentic?
And how else could they be authentic lest they recognize my authenticity?
We are kindred spirits, yes, I could tell from the moment I extend my hand in greeting
& thankfully I don’t feel any strings.
I fall, or float or plunge or flunge, deeply and surprisingly quickly, in love with someone who is for sure worthy of my affections,
Fulfiller of dreams, i.e. the check to every box on my good-qualities-to-look-for-g’day-mate list
The only problem is, this list grows so quickly…
& this edition reaches its limit, because it is their nature to be limited.
And then I feel it: the mur- mur
Murmur, unquestionably… the proof of a cardiovascular movement, signs of flesh,
Certainty of the blood… and nothing but.
Heart. Meant to so much more than murmur…
To beat wildly or steadily, or both
To strain, to ache, to open
To scream, to laugh joyously
But never to be placed upon the mantle atop of that fireplace, or wrapped in gift-paper, sitting upon a lap resting in that recliner.
Never to be used for the purposes of fear, but for those of perfect love
Which calls for suffering and brokenness and aching,
Answered by refining fire, restoration, reconciliation,
Redemption… better than perfection, the message from Your heart.
And my heart?
It wish-washes from time to time, who can understand it?
And after this pretend edition comes to pass, the only thing I will understand…
My heart desires one thing above all others.
Elohim! Abba, Holy Spirit, Jesus!
Murmur leaps to ker-thumping, the fullness of desire.
For I want so many things, but truth: You are everything I want.
But to be honest, I do not always sincerely want You, Jesus…
I want other things, so many other things, and the tendancy is that this list grows quickly.
I am only being sincere, but truth: You are everything I want!
And didn’t I know that I need You? and didn’t I know that You want me?
And doesn’t this heart forget so easily?… wish wash
And don’t you delight in telling me, over and over and over and over and over and over and over…
Again?
Hmmm, You don’t mind. We have all eternity.
Jesus.
And the mention of Your name, the coming of Your kingdom, the glory of You and Your face…
And the murmur, lukewarm and timid, cries out with passion and conviction:
You are everything I want!
Let the fire break forth from its place, and consume this house.
What used to be the strongest, greatest beat and rhythm… the loudest ker-thump,
Wildly, unstoppably beating at the mention or thought of You
Oh, to hear of Your splendor and wonder, the greatness of You God!
Your kingdom, and the power and justice and mercy thereof, sending shivers down my spine.
Who You were. Who You are.
The kindness and the humility, melted away any offense or bitterness, that like concrete would try to seep in and harden this heart of flesh.
The excitement in my body, upon the rising of the sun, giving the new day a great giant bear-hug
What used to be…
Now, thoughts of longing, desires of wanting somebody to love have made their way
Made a home really, with a comfortable recliner and fireplace…
Musings of a life lived with no strings attached, all for me.
On a delightful quest to find or create my own self, I will do life freely and authentically
Yes this is the life for me!
So let’s play a game, and pretend that I came to be the optimal edition I could…
I created a nice personality for myself, and of course the wonderful people I have met.
They always love me, because how else could they be wonderful unless they were authentic?
And how else could they be authentic lest they recognize my authenticity?
We are kindred spirits, yes, I could tell from the moment I extend my hand in greeting
& thankfully I don’t feel any strings.
I fall, or float or plunge or flunge, deeply and surprisingly quickly, in love with someone who is for sure worthy of my affections,
Fulfiller of dreams, i.e. the check to every box on my good-qualities-to-look-for-g’day-mate list
The only problem is, this list grows so quickly…
& this edition reaches its limit, because it is their nature to be limited.
And then I feel it: the mur- mur
Murmur, unquestionably… the proof of a cardiovascular movement, signs of flesh,
Certainty of the blood… and nothing but.
Heart. Meant to so much more than murmur…
To beat wildly or steadily, or both
To strain, to ache, to open
To scream, to laugh joyously
But never to be placed upon the mantle atop of that fireplace, or wrapped in gift-paper, sitting upon a lap resting in that recliner.
Never to be used for the purposes of fear, but for those of perfect love
Which calls for suffering and brokenness and aching,
Answered by refining fire, restoration, reconciliation,
Redemption… better than perfection, the message from Your heart.
And my heart?
It wish-washes from time to time, who can understand it?
And after this pretend edition comes to pass, the only thing I will understand…
My heart desires one thing above all others.
Elohim! Abba, Holy Spirit, Jesus!
Murmur leaps to ker-thumping, the fullness of desire.
For I want so many things, but truth: You are everything I want.
But to be honest, I do not always sincerely want You, Jesus…
I want other things, so many other things, and the tendancy is that this list grows quickly.
I am only being sincere, but truth: You are everything I want!
And didn’t I know that I need You? and didn’t I know that You want me?
And doesn’t this heart forget so easily?… wish wash
And don’t you delight in telling me, over and over and over and over and over and over and over…
Again?
Hmmm, You don’t mind. We have all eternity.
Jesus.
And the mention of Your name, the coming of Your kingdom, the glory of You and Your face…
And the murmur, lukewarm and timid, cries out with passion and conviction:
You are everything I want!
Let the fire break forth from its place, and consume this house.
