rumblings...deep rumblings in the tumbly

Life continues here in Amsterdam. The weather is getting colder, but I still try to get by with wearing no socks whenever I can. I usually go for a walk everyday during my bit of free time. It's been raining here for the past couple of days but still I get my intake of the beauty of Amsty. A couple of days ago I went for a walk and it started to rain pretty hard whilst I was standing beneath a big weeping willow tree. It served as a much more effective umbrella over my small polka-dotted one. A man approached me and asked me if that tree was my living room. I guess somebody with a house and sturdy roof would not usually be walking outside in the rain. I like it. I do like the feeling of being bundled up with a flimsy umbrella and facing wind and water. I think we make it out to be worse than it actually is. Getting caught in the rain that is...

One night when I was eleven years old, my mind started thinking about eternity. Eternity means neverending. "How is that possible? Everything ends. So I will be with Jesus forever and ever... Um, what are we going to do? How could I not get bored? We are going to worship Him forever? What the heck does that look like? I'm not looking forward to this." And so my thoughts went on and on. These thoughts kept me awake, eventually in a state of fear and dread, sometimes even panic. This continued for about six months. I hated going to bed because again I faced that abysmal eternity reality. And why am I recalling these events? Well that familiar feeling of dread came over me last week when one of the speakers was teaching on the end of the age and the return of Jesus. I remembered this fear of being tormented, but not with the thought of hell or being without Jesus. But fear of not knowing. I was struck with panic when I was eleven because I didn't know about anything. That same year I was in sixth grade, going to this christian school. The teacher was heavily into Calvinist theology and how God has chosen a select few from this world to be saved. I remember that my heart didn't feel right about what she was saying and so I asked her, "Well, what about John 3:16 which says that God so loved the world, that means the whole world right?" No, she informed me that the "whole world" was a figurative statement for the select few who were chosen.

In that class, we studied the book of Revelation and I think that my teacher's goal was for us to understand that the events of Jesus' return were all to be taken figuratively. I took some comfort in that. I felt a bit more at ease with the idea of Jesus' return, but I still didn't know. I didn't want to look at Revelation, but I didn't want to be ignorant either. I still grew close to Jesus and truly got to know Him. I still had a close relationship with Him. He still showed me things. All this time I didn't want to not know. I didn't want to be afraid. I wanted and still want to know everything I possibly can about God!

During the service last week, after this speaker finished her message about Revelation the leaders prayed for us by means of a "fire tunnel" where they formed two lines facing each other leading the students through to lay hands and pray for us. They prayed that I would have wisdom and understanding in studying Revelation, that I would not be afraid. When I made it through I fell on my knees, weeping. God showed me a picture of Moses going into the thick darkness. Exodus 20 speaks about when God gave the Israelites the ten commandments and there were thunderings and lightnings and noise of the trumpet and the smoking mountain. The people trembled with fear, imploring Moses to speak to God on their behalf because they were so afraid. "Moses said to the people, 'Fear not; for God has come to prove you, so that the fear of Him may be before you, that you may not sin.' And the people stood afar off, but Moses drew near to the thick darkness where God was." Moses drew near. I want to draw near! God wants me to draw near as He did the Israelites, as He does us all! I want to know the book of Revelation for it is the revelation of Jesus. Don't I say that I love Him!? I have to know who He truly is, not who I want Him to be.

As I was crying and thinking, another one of the staff came and prayed for me concerning these past hurts of feeling a fear and dread over eternity, of receiving misinformed teaching concerning who God is. I realized that we humans want to take these things about God figuratively if we truly do not know Him. It's only natural, because He is a flaming consuming fire literally and this is literally frightening! But when you know the true goodness of God, then you trust that His revelation, His person, His eternity, His plans are to be taken literally because He has shown Himself to be literal through becoming flesh and blood and dwelling among us and showing us the depth of His love by shamelessly dying for us. We can know that He is a good leader. His anger is but a moment, but His love endures forever.

I received a picture of Jesus, my perfect Daddy, holding my hand and explaining things to me. He explained the things concerning His revelation, concerning His love, concerning the ways in which His justice and mercy work together. He actually showed me that He will answer my questions, if I will ask Him. If I will be still and listen. If I will seek Him, knock on His door. He will answer. He reaffirmed to me that He does not forget about His people. His people whom He died for. He reminded once more that He does so love the world and He died for every single person. He reminded me that His desire for human beings to belong to Him is so strong, stronger than I can imagine. In that moment, any seeds of doubt concerning God's goodness were picked out. Any roots of depression concerning the hurting peoples of this earth and how they will ever find God were exposed and uprooted. Because I still had a thought in the back of my mind: God has already chosen and so does He even care for the forgotten peoples? And I can say with confidence that He cares! He weeps for them. He calls out to them. He even calls out to them through the heart of His children, like me. He is good and His love endures forever. He is faithful to the end. He will come and marry His bride, the church. The church will be ready and will be holy and will know the revelation of Him. For He is a tender lover. He is first our Father, perfectly loving, showing us who we are and how we were made. Then when we are mature, He reveals Himself as the Bridegroom. We don't have to worry because He is good.

When we trust that He is good, we can enter into that thick darkness like Moses. For when Moses asked to see God's glory, God responded by making His goodness pass before Him. His glory is His goodness. I want to see His glory! I don't want to be ignorant, because it's easy to be ignorant of the reality that we truly need Him. I've been crying out to God, asking Him to put more of a need for Him inside of me. I need to need Him more. I desire to desire Him more. I hunger to hunger for Him more. I want my tummy to rumble and already I can feel that He is giving me more yearning for Him. I don't think I've ever yearned for Him to the point of pain, because I want Him so badly. People want to be ignorant of revelation because they don't want to face the reality that we need Him so badly. We want to be alright on our own, by our own strength. To truly live a life of hunger and desire for Jesus is something that most Christians don't do. I see that now. But I think that we will eventually, when the veils of activities and duties and ministries are taken away and we see that He is the only thing that matters. We see that He is is the only firm foundation. I almost don't want to go back to university, because I am afraid of this hunger being numbed. Or that the hunger will go back to my head and away from my heart. Truly I did know in my head how much I needed Him, but my heart didn't know it. That's why I wanted to be involved in so many activities and social gatherings and ministries.

Jesus reminds me that with man this is impossible. On my own musterings and strivings and studying it will be impossible to keep this flame burning amidst the activities and courses. But with Him, all things are possible. By His strength I can do all things. I give Him time to come and fan the flame. He is a consuming fire! I draw near to the thick darkness, I walk through the storm. I fear Him and I know that I can know. It's what I want. I like it.

through the canals of this city and into a renewed love for righteousness

It's been a week since the start of the intercessory missionary internship. That's a mouthful, let's call it the IMI! It feels like I've been an IMIer for many weeks already, but no, it's only been one week. Mine is a simple life for these next three months. Each day I wake up, eat breakfast, walk to the Tabernacle, pray for five hours, walk back to the base, eat lunch, attend to my work blessing (we don't have work duties here), free time!, dinner, teachings, reflection time, and bed.

I've had some swell adventures in the city. I've been to Oosterpark a couple of times and walked around, talking with Holy Spirit. I went for a jog and tried to navigate a new route following the street names that I wrote on my hand, but I got lost. I got to a certain part of the city and was tempted to keep running and see if I came upon any buildings or parks that looked familiar. However, I decided to take the route of common sense and go back to the base the same way that I came, which eventually led me to the street that I missed in the first place and then I found my way back again. I went to the largest library in Europe, for it is in Amsterdam and about a ten minute walk from the base. Shoot, that was some library! Picture an Apple store or maybe just an Apple product made into a library and that's what this library looked like. I know that this is a very helpful description. (Maybe I can put some pictures up later)

I got to drive a boat through the canals! One of the YWAM staff loves boats and the Lord blessed him with his very own, so he took all of the IMI people for a ride through the canals. It is the best way to see the city! We saw the "smallest house" but I'm not sure if it is the smallest house in Amsterdam or in Holland. We also saw a houseboat that serves as a cat shelter. I eventually got a chance to man the boat myself heehee. I loved it! I love the water. Being out on the canal made me want to go to the beach and see the sea, which I did get to do. A group of us went to the beach on Sunday. It is about half an hour by train, and the train ride turned into a worship time as one of the guys brought his guitar. We all had a nice time jumping over the waves, in an attempt to not get out clothes wet but we weren't trying very hard. Lovely lovely times and waves and seashells and grains of sand.

Of course the five hours in the prayer room are an adventure altogether. For five hours we talk to an invisible God and tell Him what He tells us to tell Him. The beauty of it all is that this is the greatest adventure! There is so much about this God that I don't know yet, that I want to explore. There are so many areas where God wants to release His spoken Word through us humans. There is so much love and hope in Jesus' heart for His bride. He knows she will come through, that she will be pure and spotless and able to come to Him. He is patient. He is purifying Her. This is the day He longs for. And this hope is also rubbing off on me! I am truly hopeful for the church and I can't remember when I could ever say that with a sincere heart. I can't remember ever desiring a love for righteousness.

This last week, I was crying out to God to give me a greater hunger and love for righteousness. A love for righteousness that brings the oil of gladness, like Jesus had. which is spoken about in Psalm 45:7. I realized that only a love for righteousness brings true oil of gladness. What is righteousness? I was also thinking about this, about how we are the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, about how the prayers of the righteous avail much. In my handy dandy amplified Bible it says in parenthesis that righteousness is "right standing with God". That sounds official and stiff. Honestly I think that I knew in my mind what righteousness meant, but in my heart I saw it as being a religious person and staying away from the evil world, in a "holier than thou" state. But after reading Psalm 45 I truly pondered this whole "right standing with God," and it reminded me of Adam and Eve. If anybody stood right with God, it was them. They chilled with God in their nakedness amidst a garden and it was perfectly fine. To be righteous is to be with God, unashamed and open, all throughout our days and moments. So loving righteousness, loving this friendship with God, brings gladness of course. As humans we will be the most glad when we come into friendship with God because this is what is good and right and what He originally desires and still desires so intensely.

The desire of God is a whole other enchilada! During my time here, I have also delved into a deeper revelation of how much Jesus desires us, the church-His bride! She must prepare herself for His return! He will only return when she is ready and she will only be ready when she is fully mature and righteous and pure. In Revelation 19:8 it talks about the marriage of the Lamb and His bride, saying of the bride: "She has been permitted to dress in fine linen, dazzling and white-for the fine linen is the righteousness of the saints." The righteousness of the saints! That is why Jesus said blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness (Matthew 5:6), because they will be completely satisfied in the return of Jesus. He is waiting for a bride who is hungry, a bride who realizes that He is the only thing that can satisfy and nothing else on the earth can. He is waiting for a bride who is painfully aware of her need for Him and cries out with the Spirit, "Come Lord Jesus!" as it says in Revelation 22:17.

And now I finally realize why a love for righteousness is so precious and necessary.

There is so much more to tell. Daniel Lim is our teacher this week and last night he talked about how the whole Bible, the message of the gospel, the story of God and humankind can be likened to a Jewish wedding. All I can say is that we really do not comprehend how brilliant God is or how beautiful is His mind or how affectionate is His heart toward us or how intense is His desire for us. How He loves us. His love is deep beloved, so so deep. I pray that we all as the Body of Christ can grasp what is the breadth and length and height and depth of God's love, which surpasses knowledge. We will be a Body filled with God. We will be a bride fully prepared and pure for the wedding. The desire of Jesus is too strong for it to be otherwise.


on the boat, seeing the beauty of the city


boat house and cat shelter


Oosterpark-there are interesting statues all over the park. Mr. crow and I liked this one!


I missed the saltwater :)