knowing

In two days I will be flying back to the United States of America, to Texas, to Austin. I'll be home for Christmas. I'm excited. I have already said so many goodbyes but I haven't cried. I've felt the lump in my throat and the uneasiness in my stomach that usually precede the tears, but I have no tears. My eyes are dry. The tears will probably break forth at a random time and I am prepared for them with special tissues.

This intercessory missionary internship has finished officially and with the ending I had to think about all that has happened. So much has happened, so many moments and revelations and funny memories. But with all the many happenings, I can see that God was showing a path. He showed me the way to follow Him. The way to come before Him, the way to taste of Him, to see that He has the words of eternal life, and to keep coming to Him.

"You will show me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
Psalm 16:11

He shows me the path of life. I see it. In being in the prayer room in Amsterdam, sitting in His Presence, and talking with Him all those hours I found Him. In Him telling me to take this year off from university and come to YWAM Amsterdam, He was showing me the path that was for me. We all have to come before Him and let Him show us the path of life and only He can show it to us. The pastor through His sermons cannot show this, the greatest and most relevant teachers cannot, the most powerful meeting cannot, the latest book cannot... no musical composition, no drug or substance, no world traveling expedition, no magnificent entrepreneurial venture, no movie or television series... only the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. God made us and He knows us.

Do I know Him? Do I know that in His presence is fullness of joy? Do I know that in Jesus there are pleasures forever? Forever and ever and ever, as in I will never be bored or not satisfied? Fullness of joy! What does that even mean?
Do I know how to simply drink of Him and Him alone? He said that I as one who believes can come and drink and have rivers of living water flowing from my most inner being. Do I know what this reality is: to have rivers of living water flowing from within me? Do I live from this source, this bread of life and this living water?

This path of life is knowing that I need to know Him better. Knowing that there is joy and pleasure in His presence and I haven't tasted the fullness. I want to. Knowing that this reality of having rivers of living water flowing from the innermost being can be true. Knowing that it is possible to feel the affections of God on my emotions and to think like God because I have the mind of Jesus.

I know that I want to know more. I am hungry to have more hunger. I am crying because of the verse that says He will wipe every tear from our eyes. I have the revelation that I need to ask God for more revelation about Himself. Only He can show and only He can spark the flame, only He can breathe life, only He can melt a heart of stone, only He. He is amazing. His love is surprising. 1000 years from now we will still be receiving revelation about His love, we will still be awestruck by His beauty, we will still be tasting of His joy and the fullness of it.

God is beyond anything! And He wants to show us the path of life, the path to knowing Him. He is an open book for us to know. He knows the way. Like in John, Jesus says, "Come and see". I'm a follower of Jesus and He told me to "come and see". For me it was coming to Amsterdam and having a season of intercession. I came and I have seen a glimpse. But the seeing is not for a season. I will be beholding His glory forever, gazing upon His beauty forever.
All will see the glory of this Man, but now He invites us to come so that He can show us.

And Jesus Himself prayed that we who believe would be with Him and see Him.

"Father, I desire that they also whom You gave Me may be with Me where I am, that they may behold My glory which You have given Me; for You loved Me before the foundation of the world." John 17:24

I'm rejoice and give thanks that I am a human being. We were made to be with God, to be fascinated by Him, to know Him. And it never ends.

aqui

What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me? Lend me your ear and I'll sing you a song! And I'll try not to sing out of key...
I like it when a friendship gets to that point where you can just be. You don't have to plan things to do or even plan out the time that you will hang out together. You don't have to keep any formalities or worry about whether your behavior will be offensive, your sarcasm will be misunderstood, your mannerisms unmannered. Or maybe you don't have to worry about any such problems, but either way it's jolly when you can get to that point of being. It seems like this is a journey that most close relationships have formerly had to embark upon. A journey to being. Then being productive together, having fun together, chilling together, whatever together doesn't need to be forced.
Before this place of being there is the period of planning activities or going somewhere for the getting to know you time. I'm not saying that I dislike these times. Actually I've had many a fun time hanging out with people, getting to know them, meeting new people. I hear many folks express how much they love meeting new people. I am such a person, for I do like to meet new people. It's interesting. It's exciting.
But at the end of the day, who really knows you? Who can you just be with? Who can you be quiet with, just sit down with, and actually feel at ease in doing so? Who are you comfortable with looking at you? Who do you really know? Meeting new people at parties, activities, shindigs, festivals, concerts, meetings, conferences... just don't cut it.

Jesus is also such a person who wants to be, but more than that. He already is the I AM, so He is always being. However, He wanted us to be with Him. He told His disciples of His desire for them to be with Him. He also prayed that all of His followers would be with Him where He is.

"Father, I desire that they also whom You gave Me may be with Me where I am, that they may behold My glory which You have given Me; for You loved Me before the foundation of the world." John 17:24

We're not the only ones hoping for people to be with. Jesus hopes for this too. Though He doesn't need us, He desires, DESIRES that we be with Him. We were made to be wanted, and we need to be wanted if we are honest with ourselves. Sometimes our relationship with Jesus feels a bit rocky. Not because His love is rocky or because of sin that's in the way... it's not even that we have all of these hurts and pains and guilt on the inside. It's because He is the I AM and we are never. We were or we will be... but we never are. What I mean is that we never live in the here, in the now. Our heart is in the past, our thoughts are in the future. We cry out to Jesus to come to us, we try to summon His Presence... but He's not a spirit that one summons. He is the I AM! He always be being. He's perfectly ok in being with us. He desires it. He desires to be with us with our hurts and pains and sins. He paid for us with His very blood so that we could be with Him. He died so that we could come to Him dirty and broken, but lovely. He knows more about us than we could ever know, yet we need not worry that His affections or delight towards us will run dry, for His love is deeper than any ocean. He endured the cross for the joy that He knew was coming, the joy of being with us. How is this possible!? I still don't understand it!

He's with us, delighting in us. He doesn't always delight in what we do, but He can always delight in us because He sees who we truly are! We are the righteousness of God through Jesus! We are a beautiful bride being washed by the water of His Word and purified day by day.
He's with us and He delights in us. When we are sleeping, when we laugh, when we do something embarassing, when we pick our nose, when we do nothing, when we are uninteresting in the opinions of others... when we try to sing Him a song and it's out of tune and our voices crack. He loves it.

So He is the I AM, but most of the time we are either trying to meet with Him for a business (ministry) meeting, conjure up a party with Him (a Holy Spirit Conference), have a little chill with Him (retreats)... basically everything but being. We don't know how to be. I'm not against any of these things, but most times we plan and force every bit of our relationship with Jesus. At the end of the day, do we know Him? I can say this because I have realized it about my own life with Jesus. I don't know how to be with Jesus, but I am learning. I am learning that with Jesus I am also on a journey. A journey to being, to abiding.

It tickles me to think that He already prayed that I would be with Him 2000 years ago. He prayed that I would learn to abide. He prayed for this journey. At the end of the day, Jesus also asks the question, "Who really knows me?" At the end of our lives, He will ask us, "Did you get to know Me? Did you learn to love Me?"
Millions of years from now, we will not be prophesying, or organizing social justice meetings, or attending church-planting trainings, or serving the poor. Millions of years from now, we will be loving the great I AM. He is the beginning and the end. He is the source. Loving Him for who He is, wasting our lives on Him for who He is, seeking to know Him as an end in and of itself is the source of all life. All other ministries or good works are by-products. I think that in the past, my ministry was the source of life for me and knowing God was the by-product. I don't want that anymore. I want to be with the I AM.

And How can we get to this place of being? Well, we also have a getting to know you time with God. I think we will always be getting to know God haha, because He is much more than any human friend. He is infinite! But He is fully God and fully man. It's a mystery. It's love. He wants to be with us. Eat with Him and read His Word... it's our daily bread. Sit with Him and breathe, saying His name. He is the air we breathe. Study Him through the book of Revelation. It's the revelation of Jesus Himself. Sing to Him and then listen to Him sing back to you.



picture from a petting zoo in Amsterdam


it rains alot here

rumblings...deep rumblings in the tumbly

Life continues here in Amsterdam. The weather is getting colder, but I still try to get by with wearing no socks whenever I can. I usually go for a walk everyday during my bit of free time. It's been raining here for the past couple of days but still I get my intake of the beauty of Amsty. A couple of days ago I went for a walk and it started to rain pretty hard whilst I was standing beneath a big weeping willow tree. It served as a much more effective umbrella over my small polka-dotted one. A man approached me and asked me if that tree was my living room. I guess somebody with a house and sturdy roof would not usually be walking outside in the rain. I like it. I do like the feeling of being bundled up with a flimsy umbrella and facing wind and water. I think we make it out to be worse than it actually is. Getting caught in the rain that is...

One night when I was eleven years old, my mind started thinking about eternity. Eternity means neverending. "How is that possible? Everything ends. So I will be with Jesus forever and ever... Um, what are we going to do? How could I not get bored? We are going to worship Him forever? What the heck does that look like? I'm not looking forward to this." And so my thoughts went on and on. These thoughts kept me awake, eventually in a state of fear and dread, sometimes even panic. This continued for about six months. I hated going to bed because again I faced that abysmal eternity reality. And why am I recalling these events? Well that familiar feeling of dread came over me last week when one of the speakers was teaching on the end of the age and the return of Jesus. I remembered this fear of being tormented, but not with the thought of hell or being without Jesus. But fear of not knowing. I was struck with panic when I was eleven because I didn't know about anything. That same year I was in sixth grade, going to this christian school. The teacher was heavily into Calvinist theology and how God has chosen a select few from this world to be saved. I remember that my heart didn't feel right about what she was saying and so I asked her, "Well, what about John 3:16 which says that God so loved the world, that means the whole world right?" No, she informed me that the "whole world" was a figurative statement for the select few who were chosen.

In that class, we studied the book of Revelation and I think that my teacher's goal was for us to understand that the events of Jesus' return were all to be taken figuratively. I took some comfort in that. I felt a bit more at ease with the idea of Jesus' return, but I still didn't know. I didn't want to look at Revelation, but I didn't want to be ignorant either. I still grew close to Jesus and truly got to know Him. I still had a close relationship with Him. He still showed me things. All this time I didn't want to not know. I didn't want to be afraid. I wanted and still want to know everything I possibly can about God!

During the service last week, after this speaker finished her message about Revelation the leaders prayed for us by means of a "fire tunnel" where they formed two lines facing each other leading the students through to lay hands and pray for us. They prayed that I would have wisdom and understanding in studying Revelation, that I would not be afraid. When I made it through I fell on my knees, weeping. God showed me a picture of Moses going into the thick darkness. Exodus 20 speaks about when God gave the Israelites the ten commandments and there were thunderings and lightnings and noise of the trumpet and the smoking mountain. The people trembled with fear, imploring Moses to speak to God on their behalf because they were so afraid. "Moses said to the people, 'Fear not; for God has come to prove you, so that the fear of Him may be before you, that you may not sin.' And the people stood afar off, but Moses drew near to the thick darkness where God was." Moses drew near. I want to draw near! God wants me to draw near as He did the Israelites, as He does us all! I want to know the book of Revelation for it is the revelation of Jesus. Don't I say that I love Him!? I have to know who He truly is, not who I want Him to be.

As I was crying and thinking, another one of the staff came and prayed for me concerning these past hurts of feeling a fear and dread over eternity, of receiving misinformed teaching concerning who God is. I realized that we humans want to take these things about God figuratively if we truly do not know Him. It's only natural, because He is a flaming consuming fire literally and this is literally frightening! But when you know the true goodness of God, then you trust that His revelation, His person, His eternity, His plans are to be taken literally because He has shown Himself to be literal through becoming flesh and blood and dwelling among us and showing us the depth of His love by shamelessly dying for us. We can know that He is a good leader. His anger is but a moment, but His love endures forever.

I received a picture of Jesus, my perfect Daddy, holding my hand and explaining things to me. He explained the things concerning His revelation, concerning His love, concerning the ways in which His justice and mercy work together. He actually showed me that He will answer my questions, if I will ask Him. If I will be still and listen. If I will seek Him, knock on His door. He will answer. He reaffirmed to me that He does not forget about His people. His people whom He died for. He reminded once more that He does so love the world and He died for every single person. He reminded me that His desire for human beings to belong to Him is so strong, stronger than I can imagine. In that moment, any seeds of doubt concerning God's goodness were picked out. Any roots of depression concerning the hurting peoples of this earth and how they will ever find God were exposed and uprooted. Because I still had a thought in the back of my mind: God has already chosen and so does He even care for the forgotten peoples? And I can say with confidence that He cares! He weeps for them. He calls out to them. He even calls out to them through the heart of His children, like me. He is good and His love endures forever. He is faithful to the end. He will come and marry His bride, the church. The church will be ready and will be holy and will know the revelation of Him. For He is a tender lover. He is first our Father, perfectly loving, showing us who we are and how we were made. Then when we are mature, He reveals Himself as the Bridegroom. We don't have to worry because He is good.

When we trust that He is good, we can enter into that thick darkness like Moses. For when Moses asked to see God's glory, God responded by making His goodness pass before Him. His glory is His goodness. I want to see His glory! I don't want to be ignorant, because it's easy to be ignorant of the reality that we truly need Him. I've been crying out to God, asking Him to put more of a need for Him inside of me. I need to need Him more. I desire to desire Him more. I hunger to hunger for Him more. I want my tummy to rumble and already I can feel that He is giving me more yearning for Him. I don't think I've ever yearned for Him to the point of pain, because I want Him so badly. People want to be ignorant of revelation because they don't want to face the reality that we need Him so badly. We want to be alright on our own, by our own strength. To truly live a life of hunger and desire for Jesus is something that most Christians don't do. I see that now. But I think that we will eventually, when the veils of activities and duties and ministries are taken away and we see that He is the only thing that matters. We see that He is is the only firm foundation. I almost don't want to go back to university, because I am afraid of this hunger being numbed. Or that the hunger will go back to my head and away from my heart. Truly I did know in my head how much I needed Him, but my heart didn't know it. That's why I wanted to be involved in so many activities and social gatherings and ministries.

Jesus reminds me that with man this is impossible. On my own musterings and strivings and studying it will be impossible to keep this flame burning amidst the activities and courses. But with Him, all things are possible. By His strength I can do all things. I give Him time to come and fan the flame. He is a consuming fire! I draw near to the thick darkness, I walk through the storm. I fear Him and I know that I can know. It's what I want. I like it.

through the canals of this city and into a renewed love for righteousness

It's been a week since the start of the intercessory missionary internship. That's a mouthful, let's call it the IMI! It feels like I've been an IMIer for many weeks already, but no, it's only been one week. Mine is a simple life for these next three months. Each day I wake up, eat breakfast, walk to the Tabernacle, pray for five hours, walk back to the base, eat lunch, attend to my work blessing (we don't have work duties here), free time!, dinner, teachings, reflection time, and bed.

I've had some swell adventures in the city. I've been to Oosterpark a couple of times and walked around, talking with Holy Spirit. I went for a jog and tried to navigate a new route following the street names that I wrote on my hand, but I got lost. I got to a certain part of the city and was tempted to keep running and see if I came upon any buildings or parks that looked familiar. However, I decided to take the route of common sense and go back to the base the same way that I came, which eventually led me to the street that I missed in the first place and then I found my way back again. I went to the largest library in Europe, for it is in Amsterdam and about a ten minute walk from the base. Shoot, that was some library! Picture an Apple store or maybe just an Apple product made into a library and that's what this library looked like. I know that this is a very helpful description. (Maybe I can put some pictures up later)

I got to drive a boat through the canals! One of the YWAM staff loves boats and the Lord blessed him with his very own, so he took all of the IMI people for a ride through the canals. It is the best way to see the city! We saw the "smallest house" but I'm not sure if it is the smallest house in Amsterdam or in Holland. We also saw a houseboat that serves as a cat shelter. I eventually got a chance to man the boat myself heehee. I loved it! I love the water. Being out on the canal made me want to go to the beach and see the sea, which I did get to do. A group of us went to the beach on Sunday. It is about half an hour by train, and the train ride turned into a worship time as one of the guys brought his guitar. We all had a nice time jumping over the waves, in an attempt to not get out clothes wet but we weren't trying very hard. Lovely lovely times and waves and seashells and grains of sand.

Of course the five hours in the prayer room are an adventure altogether. For five hours we talk to an invisible God and tell Him what He tells us to tell Him. The beauty of it all is that this is the greatest adventure! There is so much about this God that I don't know yet, that I want to explore. There are so many areas where God wants to release His spoken Word through us humans. There is so much love and hope in Jesus' heart for His bride. He knows she will come through, that she will be pure and spotless and able to come to Him. He is patient. He is purifying Her. This is the day He longs for. And this hope is also rubbing off on me! I am truly hopeful for the church and I can't remember when I could ever say that with a sincere heart. I can't remember ever desiring a love for righteousness.

This last week, I was crying out to God to give me a greater hunger and love for righteousness. A love for righteousness that brings the oil of gladness, like Jesus had. which is spoken about in Psalm 45:7. I realized that only a love for righteousness brings true oil of gladness. What is righteousness? I was also thinking about this, about how we are the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, about how the prayers of the righteous avail much. In my handy dandy amplified Bible it says in parenthesis that righteousness is "right standing with God". That sounds official and stiff. Honestly I think that I knew in my mind what righteousness meant, but in my heart I saw it as being a religious person and staying away from the evil world, in a "holier than thou" state. But after reading Psalm 45 I truly pondered this whole "right standing with God," and it reminded me of Adam and Eve. If anybody stood right with God, it was them. They chilled with God in their nakedness amidst a garden and it was perfectly fine. To be righteous is to be with God, unashamed and open, all throughout our days and moments. So loving righteousness, loving this friendship with God, brings gladness of course. As humans we will be the most glad when we come into friendship with God because this is what is good and right and what He originally desires and still desires so intensely.

The desire of God is a whole other enchilada! During my time here, I have also delved into a deeper revelation of how much Jesus desires us, the church-His bride! She must prepare herself for His return! He will only return when she is ready and she will only be ready when she is fully mature and righteous and pure. In Revelation 19:8 it talks about the marriage of the Lamb and His bride, saying of the bride: "She has been permitted to dress in fine linen, dazzling and white-for the fine linen is the righteousness of the saints." The righteousness of the saints! That is why Jesus said blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness (Matthew 5:6), because they will be completely satisfied in the return of Jesus. He is waiting for a bride who is hungry, a bride who realizes that He is the only thing that can satisfy and nothing else on the earth can. He is waiting for a bride who is painfully aware of her need for Him and cries out with the Spirit, "Come Lord Jesus!" as it says in Revelation 22:17.

And now I finally realize why a love for righteousness is so precious and necessary.

There is so much more to tell. Daniel Lim is our teacher this week and last night he talked about how the whole Bible, the message of the gospel, the story of God and humankind can be likened to a Jewish wedding. All I can say is that we really do not comprehend how brilliant God is or how beautiful is His mind or how affectionate is His heart toward us or how intense is His desire for us. How He loves us. His love is deep beloved, so so deep. I pray that we all as the Body of Christ can grasp what is the breadth and length and height and depth of God's love, which surpasses knowledge. We will be a Body filled with God. We will be a bride fully prepared and pure for the wedding. The desire of Jesus is too strong for it to be otherwise.


on the boat, seeing the beauty of the city


boat house and cat shelter


Oosterpark-there are interesting statues all over the park. Mr. crow and I liked this one!


I missed the saltwater :)

cry

I like this window

I arrived in Amsterdam yesterday. When I got off the subway it felt like I was at EPCOT. I am certainly finding out how American I really am on this trip to the old continent. I heard more Dutch in that first thirty minutes than I have heard in my entire life. I like it. The streets are full of cute cars and crowds of bicycles. No huge Ford trucks here.

The streets are narrow and winding, with cute shops and homes on one side and oftentimes a canal on the other. I love the fact that there is so much water everywhere. To even just glance at it is refreshing, like there is something that's moving and flowing and encouraging and calming. A contrast to the bustling city.

Everyone is scurrying around looking at everything, excited to be in a city like this. I enjoyed watching them when I went for a walk this afternoon. I was able to help a French couple find out where they were on the map. It rained and haled for a few minutes and so I stood in some kind of lobby area with a family from Spain.

Trying to find a department store that somebody told me about, I ended up walking through what looked like the outskirts of the Red Light District. I saw some of the women in the windows. I saw the man walking a few feet in front of me enter into one of the windows, whilst the woman closed the curtain... wasn't expecting that. I smelled weed down every corner... it's still weird to smell that scent out in an open street with tourists and shoppers around everywhere.

Now, I may sound a bit naive or innocent to be commenting about this. Hello! I am in freakin' Amsterdam after all. Of course I know... and I was reminded by the reactions I would get when I told people I am going to Amsterdam for three months (before I said it was for an intercession internship). "Ooohhhh, Amsterdam," with a snide grin or "Oh dude you are so lucky to go to a place like that!"

Well, when I first arrived here I did not feel lucky. I set my things down in the room that I will call my abode for the next three months and opened the window, where I saw people walking down the street through the golden leaves of the tree outside the window and in the distance saw the glistening water of the Nieuwe Vaart canal. The wind blew, tickling the tree, refreshing my room. I couldn't help the tears streaming down my face. The song "Rushing Wind" by Keith Green popped into my head.

Rushing wind blow through this temple,

Blowing out the dust within,

Come and breathe your breath upon me,

I've been born again!


I am not lucky. I am blessed. I am blessed beyond measure. I am hungry to see the Face of God and to know Him better. I want to think about Him so much more than I do because He is a beautiful and wonderful person to think about. If I sound innocent, then it is not enough because I want to have a heart of innocence! I want to be like a child and trust in my Papa with my whole heart because my life depends on it. I want to look at people with the pure love of God. I want to look at every person I see in this city with His loving, kind, pure eyes. I want to long for His fragrance more than I already do. I want to have His wisdom.

Only with the Holy Spirit can we be as cunning as a serpent and as innocent as a dove.

This evening, I went to the prayer room and I cried for that woman and that man. Then I cried out for more of Abba because I wanted more of Him so badly. I wanted to know more of Him and to think about Him more. I desired Him! And He said, "I love you so much. You are blessed among men and women." I rested there and listened to some Misty Edwards. We miss you Jesus heehee!

I am ready for this internship to start. The name tags on our doors say, " Intercessory Missionary Internship-When all you want is one thing." YES!!! Tomorrow is the welcome dinner, I'm excited :)


YWAM Base

Mi Cuarto


yay YWAM!

butterfly

Butterflies are beautiful and colorful and wonderful! Imagine one day experiencing a field of butterflies, running with them... to see with your own eyes all of the colors and flutters that occur, rather than feel them in the tummy.

But those tummy flutters are what I'm feeling right now. I soon will be off on a journey. Physically, I will be going to Toulouse, France and then Amsterdam. However, I am also going on a journey into the heart, the thoughts, the dreams of God. God being Elohim, three persons in one! Abba, Yeshua, and Holy Spirit. For three months I will be spending my nights in prayer at a place called the Tabernacle of the Nations. A refuge and a battleground, this tabernacle is located smack dab in the Red Light District. A district of blatant sexuality and abounding indulgences, eyes filled with curiosity as well as intentional wandering, and hearts hungry as the nights are endless. This is when I will be praying and seeking the face of God. It sounds so ominous and abysmal... The Face of God! But His face shines down on us. His face shows His emotions, which are always good. And this God, this person, desires to be known by us. If this was not true, then my whole journey would be meaningless. But it is, and to be a human seeking the Face of God, seeking to know God, is to be an immortal. Elohim is neverending and the facets of His character, love, and person only go deeper and deeper... like going down the rabbit hole.

I am excited undoubtedly. However, it is this Face, this Presence that gives me the most butterflies. More than going to an exciting bold city such as Amsterdam, I will be with God, abiding, for long periods of time. This is the craziest adventure. For our God is an awesome God, but He is also a wild God. He is a lion, His eyes are flames of fire. Ooh, that gives me some powerful flutters.

I guess seeking the face of God is like taking the red pill... and maybe finding oneself in a field of butterflies... I can hope :)

Tomorrow I will wake up and head to the airport, Houston then Amsterdam then Toulouse... updates and pictures to come.

hummy hum hum

Here I present a song... although I have yet to come up with the tune. For I have yet to master Maria, by dear geetar. But that's what five-week ACC classes are for! I'll impress my teacher with my composition. I'm sure my performance will blush in comparison to those three Who concerts he saw in the 70's... yes, THREE. oh to live in the seventies ... well at least I still live on sugar mountain, until the 25th of this month when I leave the hood of aged teens and join the ranks of ambitious whippersnappers. We'll see how I do.

I don't know what to name this yet... it's about a human I know. However it's for everybody I think, even myself. They are sort of stuck in a denial of who they are. They want to be magnificent by means of acting in character. This character is different for everybody and could change with the seasons, whatever the case it is not who they are.
However, the reality is they are magnificent in their simple quirks, their simple strengths, and their simple humanity. God-given humanity, vulnerability, friendship is beautiful ... it's the root of us and Yeshua, like in Eden.

Please note: "kaka de ojos" is a term of endearment from a fwiend... referring to sleepy dust, of which I have an abundance when I greet the mornings.

So read this if you want... & soon Maria and I hope to have a melody.

You were a lion once
Strong and mighty and good
And now I see you are a worm

You were a smile once
Bright and clear and generous
And now I see you are a sour patch

You were a human once
A friend, without a mirror
And now I see you fly above the earth

Come why can’t we return to the dirt, resting in the cool earth, beneath the deep pensive skies;
Why can’t you like these teeny seeds in my palms, the kaka de ojos in my eyes.
Why can’t you come back to your roots? Come back to da roots…

You used to be a lion,
And now you’re just a worm
But I see you turning into a butterfly

You used to smile,
Like pink eye, oh so contagious
But I see you forming the fruit goodness

You were human,
And now you joined the men of steel
But I see you returning to the dirt.

Come why can’t we return to the dirt, resting in the blue earth, beneath the deep pensive skies;
Why can’t you like these teeny seeds in my palms, the kaka de ojos in my eyes.

Come why can’t we return to the dirt, taking in the scent of humanity, at peace with all the irrationality
Why can’t you like the love of a lover, even the like of a friend like me?
Why can’t you come back to your roots? Come back to da roots…

Foxes have their holes, birds have their nests, roos have their kangas,
We have the earth, we have the earth, we have each other, since when was that so smelly? The best thing on earth was always peanut butter and jelly.

(this peanut butter and jelly is smelly-possible title?)

Storm Gathering

Of late I have been reading through the book Campus America. An excerpt from the introduction captured my attention and poked my heart. The author, Trent Sheppard, recounts a dream that he had concerning university students, like myself:
personified as a raging mare and impassioned with the Spirit of Jesus.

I boldly confess that I see and sense this around me at the university, at the campus house of prayer, and most of all within my own self. Especially within myself. This encouraged my mind and my spirit immensely. At times frustration and anger over the mediocrity, the injustice, the slumbering of believers, & the division in Jesus' precious body often leads me to feel as though I don't trust Jesus. I wonder if other students have felt likewise. I know that frustration can turn into this [AND it has], but perhaps more often than not these are passions that rise due to the passion of Jesus. This passion can turn into a mad and heedless rage, no doubt, if not poured into prayer before the Almighty God, who is GOOD and whose mercy endures forever. Being in the presence of this awesome God is where freedom abounds and not in running to and fro throughout this world seeking justice from the hand of a man or woman. As the mare in Sheppard's account, this leaves us weary, gasping for breath, unable to stand... Jesus calls us to stand, to watch and pray, to cast cares upon Him. So that we are a free people, who run run run! with His good news and not tread through wide gravel roads with the weight of the world upon our shoulders. After all, Jesus lifted our heads and said "follow me!"... and now we walk with Him and set captives free. And so I feel that this raging mare is not without a holy purpose and neither does she lack trust in God. In fact, she is fueled by the very passions that are burning in His heart.

Here is the excerpt:

When I opened my eyes, however, I was standing in an open field
and there was an unmistakable rumbling rising from the ground. The
earth itself was trembling, as was I, because I was afraid. I was fearful
of where that pounding sound was coming from and frightfully aware
I was about to discover its planet-shaking source. Listening more
carefully, I realized the wild sound was gathering momentum and, in
fact, coming closer. The dirt beneath me began to dance with a frenzied fury.
Gazing across the open field, I was confronted by the cause of the
untamed and thunderous sound as a wild stampede of animals rushed
into my view. There were so many of them, and the mythical beasts
were of such marvelous variety, that the uncontrollable fear I had once
felt was soon replaced by sheer wonder. Like a scene from J. r. r.
Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings or a glimpse into C. S. Lewis’s Chronicles of
Narnia, the animals were supernatural in appearance: lions that talked,
horses more powerful than any I had ever seen, noble buffaloes that
roared.

I was completely captivated by what I was witnessing and so
stunned by how close the animals were that I dared not move. It was
then that one of them, a wild and courageous horse with two majestic
horns, saw me and charged. In my dream I immediately knew three
things about this raging mare: she was a university student, she was
disillusioned by religion, and she was very angry. (I cannot explain
why I knew these particular things about the horse, nor can I explain
why I also innately knew the enraged mare would understand me if I
talked with her. In the dream, I just knew.)
“Please,” I cried out, “let me explain!” While I ran for shelter, the
horse continued to charge relentlessly. I frantically tried to explain
that I too had been burned by religion and disillusioned by empty
spirituality. Nearing the tree, the mare finally seemed to understand
what I was so desperate to explain and rather than trampling me, she
knelt down on the ground beside me. By this point the horse was so
wearied with running that it was hard for her to stand. As the wild
stampede of animals continued to pound their way through the open
field, I looked into the mare’s eyes and asked her name.


I am Storm Gathering.




Opening my eyes to the light of morning, the open field and fear-
less horse were nowhere to be found. I slipped out of bed, with the
student stampede still thundering through my mind, got down on my
knees and asked God what the dream meant. It was simple. A student
movement was indeed coming to the campuses of America. And a
large part of that movement would be made up of young people who
were disillusioned by certain elements of their religious backgrounds
and desperately searching for a faith that was wildly courageous, in-
tellectually honest, socially engaged and genuinely free.



I am Storm Gathering.



This raging mare, with her two majestic horns, represented a dy-
namic and engaging faith that bridged the modern divide that so often
separates the sacred and the secular. To her, life was not about one or
the other—the physical or the spiritual—it was about both. Storm
Gathering was committed to prayer and the poor, intimacy with God
and advocacy for the outcast, freedom from her own sins and free-
dom for the world’s slaves. Her unfettered faith was attempting to
reclaim the ancient words of the prophet Isaiah, that earthy descrip-
tion of true holiness by which Jesus defined his ministry:


The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
for he has anointed me
to bring Good News to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released,
that the blind will see,
that the oppressed will be set free,
and that the time of the Lord’s favor has come. (Luke 4:18-19;
see Isaiah 61:1-2)