rumblings...deep rumblings in the tumbly

Life continues here in Amsterdam. The weather is getting colder, but I still try to get by with wearing no socks whenever I can. I usually go for a walk everyday during my bit of free time. It's been raining here for the past couple of days but still I get my intake of the beauty of Amsty. A couple of days ago I went for a walk and it started to rain pretty hard whilst I was standing beneath a big weeping willow tree. It served as a much more effective umbrella over my small polka-dotted one. A man approached me and asked me if that tree was my living room. I guess somebody with a house and sturdy roof would not usually be walking outside in the rain. I like it. I do like the feeling of being bundled up with a flimsy umbrella and facing wind and water. I think we make it out to be worse than it actually is. Getting caught in the rain that is...

One night when I was eleven years old, my mind started thinking about eternity. Eternity means neverending. "How is that possible? Everything ends. So I will be with Jesus forever and ever... Um, what are we going to do? How could I not get bored? We are going to worship Him forever? What the heck does that look like? I'm not looking forward to this." And so my thoughts went on and on. These thoughts kept me awake, eventually in a state of fear and dread, sometimes even panic. This continued for about six months. I hated going to bed because again I faced that abysmal eternity reality. And why am I recalling these events? Well that familiar feeling of dread came over me last week when one of the speakers was teaching on the end of the age and the return of Jesus. I remembered this fear of being tormented, but not with the thought of hell or being without Jesus. But fear of not knowing. I was struck with panic when I was eleven because I didn't know about anything. That same year I was in sixth grade, going to this christian school. The teacher was heavily into Calvinist theology and how God has chosen a select few from this world to be saved. I remember that my heart didn't feel right about what she was saying and so I asked her, "Well, what about John 3:16 which says that God so loved the world, that means the whole world right?" No, she informed me that the "whole world" was a figurative statement for the select few who were chosen.

In that class, we studied the book of Revelation and I think that my teacher's goal was for us to understand that the events of Jesus' return were all to be taken figuratively. I took some comfort in that. I felt a bit more at ease with the idea of Jesus' return, but I still didn't know. I didn't want to look at Revelation, but I didn't want to be ignorant either. I still grew close to Jesus and truly got to know Him. I still had a close relationship with Him. He still showed me things. All this time I didn't want to not know. I didn't want to be afraid. I wanted and still want to know everything I possibly can about God!

During the service last week, after this speaker finished her message about Revelation the leaders prayed for us by means of a "fire tunnel" where they formed two lines facing each other leading the students through to lay hands and pray for us. They prayed that I would have wisdom and understanding in studying Revelation, that I would not be afraid. When I made it through I fell on my knees, weeping. God showed me a picture of Moses going into the thick darkness. Exodus 20 speaks about when God gave the Israelites the ten commandments and there were thunderings and lightnings and noise of the trumpet and the smoking mountain. The people trembled with fear, imploring Moses to speak to God on their behalf because they were so afraid. "Moses said to the people, 'Fear not; for God has come to prove you, so that the fear of Him may be before you, that you may not sin.' And the people stood afar off, but Moses drew near to the thick darkness where God was." Moses drew near. I want to draw near! God wants me to draw near as He did the Israelites, as He does us all! I want to know the book of Revelation for it is the revelation of Jesus. Don't I say that I love Him!? I have to know who He truly is, not who I want Him to be.

As I was crying and thinking, another one of the staff came and prayed for me concerning these past hurts of feeling a fear and dread over eternity, of receiving misinformed teaching concerning who God is. I realized that we humans want to take these things about God figuratively if we truly do not know Him. It's only natural, because He is a flaming consuming fire literally and this is literally frightening! But when you know the true goodness of God, then you trust that His revelation, His person, His eternity, His plans are to be taken literally because He has shown Himself to be literal through becoming flesh and blood and dwelling among us and showing us the depth of His love by shamelessly dying for us. We can know that He is a good leader. His anger is but a moment, but His love endures forever.

I received a picture of Jesus, my perfect Daddy, holding my hand and explaining things to me. He explained the things concerning His revelation, concerning His love, concerning the ways in which His justice and mercy work together. He actually showed me that He will answer my questions, if I will ask Him. If I will be still and listen. If I will seek Him, knock on His door. He will answer. He reaffirmed to me that He does not forget about His people. His people whom He died for. He reminded once more that He does so love the world and He died for every single person. He reminded me that His desire for human beings to belong to Him is so strong, stronger than I can imagine. In that moment, any seeds of doubt concerning God's goodness were picked out. Any roots of depression concerning the hurting peoples of this earth and how they will ever find God were exposed and uprooted. Because I still had a thought in the back of my mind: God has already chosen and so does He even care for the forgotten peoples? And I can say with confidence that He cares! He weeps for them. He calls out to them. He even calls out to them through the heart of His children, like me. He is good and His love endures forever. He is faithful to the end. He will come and marry His bride, the church. The church will be ready and will be holy and will know the revelation of Him. For He is a tender lover. He is first our Father, perfectly loving, showing us who we are and how we were made. Then when we are mature, He reveals Himself as the Bridegroom. We don't have to worry because He is good.

When we trust that He is good, we can enter into that thick darkness like Moses. For when Moses asked to see God's glory, God responded by making His goodness pass before Him. His glory is His goodness. I want to see His glory! I don't want to be ignorant, because it's easy to be ignorant of the reality that we truly need Him. I've been crying out to God, asking Him to put more of a need for Him inside of me. I need to need Him more. I desire to desire Him more. I hunger to hunger for Him more. I want my tummy to rumble and already I can feel that He is giving me more yearning for Him. I don't think I've ever yearned for Him to the point of pain, because I want Him so badly. People want to be ignorant of revelation because they don't want to face the reality that we need Him so badly. We want to be alright on our own, by our own strength. To truly live a life of hunger and desire for Jesus is something that most Christians don't do. I see that now. But I think that we will eventually, when the veils of activities and duties and ministries are taken away and we see that He is the only thing that matters. We see that He is is the only firm foundation. I almost don't want to go back to university, because I am afraid of this hunger being numbed. Or that the hunger will go back to my head and away from my heart. Truly I did know in my head how much I needed Him, but my heart didn't know it. That's why I wanted to be involved in so many activities and social gatherings and ministries.

Jesus reminds me that with man this is impossible. On my own musterings and strivings and studying it will be impossible to keep this flame burning amidst the activities and courses. But with Him, all things are possible. By His strength I can do all things. I give Him time to come and fan the flame. He is a consuming fire! I draw near to the thick darkness, I walk through the storm. I fear Him and I know that I can know. It's what I want. I like it.